So as I wake up, a little worse for wear, a little bruised and broken – I think to myself – what could have possibly caused this upset in my life. Is it the depression? Is it anxiety? Oh no. It’s the ruddy Eurovision song contest otherwise known as the best night of the year.
So with 364 days before the next one, what can I do other than review the biggest karaoke sesh of the year?
I drew Poland, Belgium and Sweden and if I’m honest – if you don’t know who won already SPOILER alert. But in all seriousness, I feel like I’m now okay with Brexit because of last nights Eurovision result. Europe what were you thinking?
So we kicked off with Isreal, who while was pretty, didn’t really hit the notes for me. Tough job opening the show – but lets face it, they were never going to win.
We move on to the forgettable Poland – that was one sweep stake ripped up instantly.
Belarus – yes Belarus – you were alright I think. I mean, by this point I was a bit meh’d out but you know what, fair play, they gave it a good go.
Austria, Armenia – pretty forgettable. I can’t really remember what they did or if they were good so I’m going to say average.
No. 6 was The Netherlands. Amsterdam’s answer to Destiny’s Child but with less sass and more sequins. I liked them – others didn’t. I feel like it’ll be good for the hangover.
MY ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE SONG OF THE NIGHT – Moldova. I was so confident they were going to win, I bet money on it and then voted 10 times. We won £9 which we can’t withdraw from our Sky Bet account. Knobheads. As Calum Stone said – it was so saxy. Pun intended – there was a saxophone.
Hungary was just a bit weird. Italy made it weirder and brought out a gorilla – it was an actual gorilla costume. But as many pointed out – a bit of shit effort really.
Denmark – can’t really remember what the did.
Portugal. Shit. I’ll say no more. Europe are stupid.
Azerbaijan made a decent effort – not bad really.
I loved Croatia who we have dubbed a fat Tzanis who if anyone knows him – is a very accurate description. It was very Disney-esk and I loved every moment. A different year I reckon they’d have done it but y’know – Europe are stupid.
Australia was fit but other than that I wasn’t really feeling it. I feel like my 17 year old self would have appreciated it.
Greece was just beautiful. She really was.
Spain? I don’t even know what they did. Same with Norway.
The UK – old Lucy Jones made a cracking effort. I was very impressed. Unlucky that everyone hates us but I was proud of her!
Cyprus I feel like did something good? Were they the rock band? I don’t even know. Either way, not overly enthused but they were alright.
Romania I liked. Nice one Romania.
Germany literally ripped off Titanium. Very efficient way to enter the Eurovision song contest but totally cheating. Same old Germans, always…
Ukraine was a bit poor to be honest. I expected better. I mean host country? Come on man. Turn it up.
Sweden YASSSSSS QUEEN. Omg, he was so hot and his song was great. The backing dancers were great. I loved it all. Injustice all round.
Bulgaria. Was that the kid? He was good. Fair play Bulgaria – you can stay.
France – alright.
So there you have it. My Eurovision review. If it was up to me the top 3 should have been:
It wasn’t – the actual top 3 was:
1) Portugal – fucking Portugal man?!
The actual best song of the night came at the end who as Matt dubbed ‘The Ukraine House Mafia’ pulled out a TUNE. Onto next year and more fucking hate from Europe.
Positive of the day: I’m meeting my borrow my doggy dog again today and me and my best friend are going to attempt to run.