This morning, I had the strangest experience. I was going for a run (I know that’s strange for me, but not what I was talking about), and I ran past a church and suddenly ended up in floods of tears.
What had caused this sudden outpour of emotions? Probably the jager bomb still pumping through my blood and the banging headache that accompanied it. However I put it down to grief. It suddenly reminded me of my Grandma and as a result, my Grandad who both passed away within a week of each other last summer.
It was at this point, as tears were flooding down my face that I probably should have run faster than ever before to get home but I couldn’t move my feet. I was absolutely stricken with grief that all I could do was cry and I couldn’t understand why this was happening to me.
I tried to ring my Grandma, but she didn’t answer the phone. I rang my Mum but I knew she’d been out with friends last night so probably wouldn’t answer. I tried my best friend but she was at work so I finally rang my Dad who picked up after two rings.
He made me laugh, he made me cry a little more as I talked through my emotions and confusion at how suddenly grief had struck me. In those moments, I was transformed back to the day of the funerals. I was back at my Grandma’s house. I was holding my Grandad’s hand and I missed them both so much.
After laughing and crying with my Dad on the phone, I eventually started to pick my legs up and walked home where Matt was waiting for me on the hill with a can on San Pellegrino. I think he thought I’d pulled a muscle because I must have looked truly awful. Instead he held me in his arms, and hugged me and told me that it was okay to still feel like this.
It was exactly what I needed to hear.
Grief is a really strange emotion that is so unpredictable – it’s no wonder it can cause depression and anxiety. I was talking to my ‘work mummy’ who was telling me that she’s developed insomnia since her brother died a few years ago. It was only when she said it, that I realised I haven’t really been able to sleep properly since last summer.
It’s so strange, but I think it’s so important that we talk about it instead of internalising our emotions because grief can literally kill you if you let it. It’s crippling but it can be positive and in a way, I’m glad cried today, because I got to remember my Grandma and Grandad and I love and miss them dearly.
Have a great bank holiday weekend everybody and treasure your friends and family because life is too short to not appreciate them.
Positive of the day: It’s bank holiday weekend and I’m about to go charity shop shopping!