I had such a bad day yesterday. The worst episode I’ve had in one go since my last bout of depression last year and it has completely wiped me out. Not enough that I can sleep though – ironically. My brain still felt the need to go into complete overdrive as I tried to turn off for the night.
What triggered this? Work. A realisation that I’m not cut out for this job and never have been despite trying so hard to pretend I am. I overheard that one of the projects that I had been working on prior to my absence hasn’t got a school because I had not followed up and arranged it properly. The project was designed by students as part of their module. I feel like I’ve let them down so much. I feel like I’m letting everyone down. I was worried that might happen but still didn’t do anything about it. Why? I don’t know.
It seems so stupid because I know deep down that this job is so much the cause of my depression and anxiety but I am so desperate to get myself back on track that I just wanted to fight through it. I feel so guilty at the thought of leaving the job after they took a chance and hired me and are trying to support me to get better. I really wish they would just fire me. I called in sick today. I thought I would be able to get myself together for 1pm, after some sleep, but I couldn’t. I feel guilty about not going in.
When I couldn’t sleep last night, I actually worked out how many pills I had in my room and whether or not I would wake up from them. I figured I didn’t have enough and I couldn’t face trying and not succeeding. It’s scary how those thoughts came about. I think guilt stopped me again. My Dad doesn’t deserve to deal with that. It’s not his fault or anyone else’s – it’s mine.
Turn it off? – A great song from the Book of Mormon! Totally worth a listen.
Positive of the day: I’m struggling to find a positive today. Admitting how bad it got, even to an audience of me, is, I suppose, positive?